Every Friday the 13th I think of Mom – born on Friday the 13th in July. Coming up on the anniversary of her death. 13 years. Interesting. 13. Sometimes I miss her as deeply (but not as raw) as the first year she was gone. She would love how my life has turned out so far. I always tell my friends who are worried about their wild daughters what Mom once shared with me…how desperate she felt dealing with me and all of my craziness. How frightened she was for me and how she judged herself as a Mother and a woman.
One time she shared those feelings with Ann Hanson and Ann reminded her what a good and loving person she was and how Mother had to trust in her faith and God because she did all that she knew to do – could do – to raise me. In essence Ann told Mom to surrender, let go, trust. And Mom did just that.
She told me that she never stopped loving me and she never stopped worrying about me but she did stop trying to control me. Mom was a control freak for sure! When she shared all of this with me it was her way of telling me how proud she was of me and how I did turn out to be a good, kind, and loving person. I needed to hear my Mom tell me that! And maybe that’s why, on some days, I miss her so much. Because Moms love us in a way no one else does or maybe can. And my Mom accepted me, finally, unconditionally.
As I look up from my journal and gaze out the window to see who is on the bird feeder there is an unusual sight – only two birds, a male and female cardinal. And I physically feel the loving presence of my parents with their arms wrapped around me as if to say, “We’re proud of you!” Each of us need different things from our parents but we all need love and I was fortunate to always know that no matter how bad things got between us, my parents loved me. To feel their pride for me was something I longed for and never received (or maybe acknowledged) until I was well into my 40’s. But it did happen. And it happened because like Mom, I can be a control freak. I needed to surrender, let go, and have faith before I could receive what I so desperately desired.
I think this message comes today because of an inner struggle I’m having now with control. I am so much freer than I once was! But when I’m willing to take a step back and look at any financial or health anxiety I’m experiencing, control is a major factor and definitely a topic for deeper inquiry.
Thanks Mom and Dad! For pointing that out to me…you really are always in my life!